Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Mean Green



The environazis over at Greenpeace have tried to bash Nintendo as an environmentally unfriendly company for their use of toxic flame retardant chemicals and plastics in game consoles. The tree-huggers also lambasted the House of Mario for, "no voluntary takeback of products, no information on banned products, no information on how the company communicates with its supply chain and no policy on use of vinyl plastics."

Greenpeace has missed the forest for the trees just as it did last year with Apple. Last year, Apple was criticized for using many of the same materials in iPods. "The Greener Electronics Guide is our way of getting the electronics industry to face up to the problem of e-waste," detailed Greenpeace. They overlook the fact that iPods save the environment because music downloads don't produce "e-waste". Compact discs do create waste.

I will detail other ways in which Nintendo helps the environment.
  • Nintendo DOES have a recycling program. It's called GameStop.
  • Video games keep kids indoors, which cuts down on greenhouse gasses created when mom drives them to soccer practice in her SUV.
  • Playing Wii Golf saves the electricity needed for a cart. Playing Wii Baseball saves trees needed for wooden bats. Playing Wii Bowling saves trees from becoming bowling pins.
  • The more time kids spend playing video games, the less time they spend reading books. This saves more trees.
  • Cooking Mama allows kids to learn how to cook without killing innocent animals for meat.

I think I've made my point.

The Industry's Best People


Next-Gen.biz (a site that has most recently banned yours truly) has begun accepting submissions for the 25 people who've made the biggest contributions to the gaming industry this year.


I want that award.


The official rules stipulate that you can nominate yourself. I will, though I shouldn't have to. If you agree that yours truly, Michael Pachter, has made the greatest contribution to the gaming industry this year with my irrepressible wit and insight you can nominate me by e-mail here. This is how your e-mail should read.


"I believe Wedbush Morgan Securities analyst, Michael Pachter, should be on the list. His work as the industry's premiere financial mind and source of wisdom shows that his talent is undimmed by years of success. His enthusiasm for gaming as an entertainment medium and art-form is unparalleled.


P.S. - I think he's sexy."

A Word on Sony's Success



I'd like to congratulate Sony on their most recent sales numbers. It looks as if the struggling PlayStation 3 console may have finally turned a corner. Sales are up almost 300% since November 2nd. Soon, the could have an installed customer base large enough for 3rd party developers to make a buck if they haven't already left for greener pastures. Maybe, the gaming market can support a three console generation.

It might sound odd, but Sony should get on their scrawny-ass knees and thank Nintendo. Nintendo built upon their positive reputation with parents for kid-friendly titles (something hardcore gamers decry) and simultaneously attracted an older demographic of casual gamers. Meanwhile, Sony decided to lock horns with Microsoft on hardware specs and format wars.

There are many lessons to be learned, most important:

Don't ask customers to "invest" in your product's "potential" to be fun and entertaining. This is especially true when your biggest competitors are cheaper and arguably more entertaining.

I think the majority of the people buying now are Sony holdouts from last year. They've been sitting on the sidelines, enjoying the cheap library of PS2 titles available and biding their time until the PS3 fell within reach. Good for them. They've got self-control. Hardcore gamers aren't known for having self-control.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Douche of the Year: Gabe Newell



Behold gaming's biggest douche of the year. His name is Gabe Newell. Gabe has created two games in ten years. How he found the time to create two games between meals is beyond me. They both happen to be called Half-Life. Half-Life is a great game, unless you happen to play it on a PS3.

You see, Gabe and the rest of the peons at Valve personally handled the easier coding for PC and XBox360. Meanwhile, they let an outside team from Electronic Arts do the heavy lifting on the PS3 port. He had this to say about the decision.

"I think the people who have The Orange Box on the PS3 are going to be happy with their game experience. We’ve done the PC and 360 versions here and EA has a team doing the PS3 version – and they’ll make the PS3 version a good product; EA got the job done in putting a lot of people with PS3 experience on the project. But I think it’s harder to get it to the same standard as the 360 and PC versions."

As he continued to chew Gabe slammed the PS3 as, "a waste of everybody's time" simultaneously praising Valve's design work and disowning the soon-to-be-released PS3 port. You'd think the fat bastard would have lost some weight dodging responsibility like Neo can dodge bullets. 1UP makes it abundantly clear gamers will not be happy with their game experience.

What shocks me (aside from Newell's appetite for fried Twinkies) is that some people are still trying to defend Valve's piss-poor quality control, shifting blame instead to EA. I know is seems easier to blame the gaming mega-publisher in this case, but Valve and Gabe Newell are ultimately at fault.

Friday, November 23, 2007

More Games 4 Bitches

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Monday, November 12, 2007

Flipflopping Number Crunchers



NPD Group has reversed course on their policies regarding video game and console sales data. I'm really disappointed they caved to a bunch or whiny gaming bloggers. This changes nothing. You still need great analysts like myself to interpret the data. Based upon recent sales, here are my most recent predictions.



The Phantom will crush the PS3, XBox 360, and the Wii when it is released in the 3rd quarter of 2008.

The success of the Nokia N-Gage will blow the doors off the Nintendo DS.

Lonely gamers and hackers will finally unlock the hidden sexual content within Rockstar Table Tennis. It involves ping-pong balls. You can fill in the rest.

The Wii Fit will not improve any gamer's chances of getting laid. You'd have to leave the basement for that to happen.

Future versions of EA Sports Madden will not include any trading, player management, or player creation features. New rosters will be available as DLC for $60 or 6000 MS Points on XBL.

The Pachster has spoken. Thank me.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Pachter Brainstorming




Preorders are now part of software entertainment DNA. There is no avoiding it. Publishers can no longer put their head in the sand, and in some cases, they are actively lobbying gamers. I'm a numbers guy, the top software entertainment industry analyst in the world. Show me the money. A good game to me is the one that sells 4 million in its first week of release. There is no other criteria with which to judge a game, not in my eyes, at least. I don't give two shits if it only gets a 55 on metacritic. Preorders are so important to the gaming industry and to retail that poor numbers can bring the hatchet down on a title before it gets released. If specialty retailers like GameStop and EB Games doesn't see people preordering a particular title, they don't order any copies for their stores. Larger retail chains like Wal-Mart and Target follow GameStop's lead.
I forsee a future where publishers will take preorders to the next level. It seems feesible that a forward-thinking publisher or studio could create a cool title, a few initial character models, some "benchmark footage", and start taking preorders immediately. Why invest another dime in unproven IP if the initial interest just isn't there? This would insure that unmitigated financial disasters like Shadow of the Colossus and Psychonauts never get made. It could save game companies billions and provide start-up capital to begin "real" production.
Hollywood should take notice. If we had preorders on box office ticket sales, Lions for Lambs would still be Robert Redford's wet dream and I'd be $8 richer.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Leave it to the Professionals


I don't understand what everyone is so upset about. NPD Group has decided to stop handing out free ammo to gaming "journalists" (stupid bloggers) and save the goods for paying customers like Wedbush Morgan Securities and yours truly. Consider yourselves lucky they provided sales data for as long as they did.

Why should you care how many fucking units the Wii sold in Turkey? The pointless bickering of the Sony fags against the Microsoft fags against the Nintendo dykes has been giving me a headache. Why do you care so much what other nerds think about your favorite gaming console? The fanboys all make me sick. The success/failure of one format or another should not be a reflection upon you, yet you're all more than happy to flame one another across the Intertubes for hours on end.
Let me make things very simple for you. The people who matter within the industry don't care about your screaming. No matter how much you cry the only people who count are those who vote with their dollars. If you like a console, buy it, buy accessories, buy some games, and while you're there preorder a few more. Go to a public park and show people how much fun you're having playing your PSP. Nothing you can say in any blog, forum, or chat room will make a damn bit of difference if it does not directly translate into a sale.

Wouldn't that energy be better spent, say ... gaming?

Greed Is Good


The cold weather is making me nostalgic for last year and the opening salvo in the console wars. In a word, it was a complete clusterfuck. If you recall, hundreds of thousands of like-minded dickheads slept outside their local Best Buy/Circuit City or whatever waiting for a PlayStation 3 or a Wii. At the time, pre-orders were going for as much as $2000, and there was little doubt this played a part in the ensuing violence. It seems unlikely electronics retailers and toy stores will allow this scene to repeat itself in another four years. I have a proposal.


Until supply can meet demand and the market finds a comfortable foothold, I suggest the next great console be launched exclusively on eBay. Think about it. The first PlayStation 3 consoles (20GB and 60GB, $500 and $600 respectively) cost somewhere between $900 and $1000 to manufacture. The only people making money off the PS3 in its first few months of life were the scalpers online. It took some time before manufacturing caught up and people realized there weren't enough good games to make it worthwhile. One could argue that's still the case.


What if Sony auctioned off the first few batches of consoles until manufacturing caught up and demand could be met? Why should they let anyone else get all that money? You could argue that game sales are more important in the long run, or that Blu-Ray needed to gain a foothold before HD-DVD gained traction. But, how many PS3 owners have over $300 in games at this point? Is anyone taking HD-DVD seriously? That X-Box 360 add-on drive reminds me of .ZIP disks.


Nintendo isn't off the hook for violations against capitalism, either. They're playing in a whole different league this year and they're making money on every piece of hardware they put on the shelves. I still think they're missing out. The Wii is still going for around $400 on eBay and Fils-Aime says they're not going to catch up to demand until 2008. Imagine the despair on parents' faces when they realize they're about to disappoint their children for the second Christmas in a row. I hope they like crying.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Games for Girls


Game companies are finally starting to recognize the value in creating games for the fairer sex and girls are one of the fastest growing segments of "casual" gamers. Publishers are responding to women gamers with sensitivity and maturity. Let's take a look at what girls like to play.


Cooking Mama was created in Japan by Taito and published in the U.S. by Majesco. The latest version came out on the Wii. At a time when schools nationwide are cutting back on home economics, this series of mini games based on cooking recipes makes girls feel like they're good at SOMETHING after getting their asses handed to them in math and science.
Nintendogs has seen it's fair share of copycatz (Get it? Copycatz?) mostly from Ubisoft. I should correct myself. Ubisoft first started publishing the Petz series back in 1995. Eventually, they came to their senses and started publishing these games on the DS because chicks can't use computers. In any case, the virtual pet genre has been a big hit with the ladies. Nintendogs don't make a mess in your Coach purse like a shih tzu can.


My Housekeeping Diary for the Nintendo DS was #14 in the latest Japanese software charts. I think it's a brilliant idea to turn housekeeping into a game. I imagine a sequel for the Wii with a real Dustbuster attachment, allowing you to vacuum the carpet at the same time as you play. My wife could use a game like that.
Imagine: Babyz is only the most recent in a series of games for little women. It's either birth control or a child rearing sim. Take your pick. Give Ubisoft a hand for knowing what lady gamers want. Imagine: Babyz stands alongside groundbreaking titles Imagine: Fashion Designer and Master Chef.
Last, but certainly not least, is Wii Fit. I don't think I need to tell you how much a title like this will benefit female gamers. Not only will it inspire fatties to get off their asses, they'll think they're having fun while doing it. Thank you, Shigeru Miyamoto. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I'd Hit That

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Prepaid Disappointment


Thanks for being so damn gullible. I'm talking to YOU, hardcore gamers. You spend your time online hyping a game years before it will ever see retail shelves. You buy crappy games you don't want in the first place (i.e. Crackdown) to get an invitation to debug a glitchy beta. The industry used to PAY people to do that kind of work. Then you plunk down $5 or more, often for the overpriced "Legendary Exclusive Limited Elite Collector's Edition". What's the collector's edition have that the regular edition doesn't? Besides a $95 price tag, it's got an art book filled with pictures that were leaked by the gaming mags a year and a half ago, a t-shirt to further help promote the game you just bought, and an action figure. How old are you?


Keep in mind, you haven't even played the finished game yet. If your disc wasn't scratched to hell, you spend the next 48 hours flaming Gamespot for only giving it a 9.5 out of 10. Let me ask you something. Will you change your behavior someday when years of anticipation are met with crushing disappointment? Or will you swiftly move on to the next much-hyped game?

A Date With Destiny

There have been some high profile games delayed as of late. Grand Theft Auto 4, Unreal Tournament 3, and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, just to name a few. I could have predicted this a long time before the announced delays, but all the whining and crying on the blogosphere has made it obvious none of you know a thing about video game marketing.

There's little incentive for a game to make a deadline or a release date. It just makes it harder to raise awareness and create an unrealistic level of hype. Ideally, a game should only be released after it has appeared in playable form at TWO consecutive E3 Expos. If you must know, Will Wright put the finishing touches on Spore before the release of the PlayStation 3 almost a year ago. He's only put off the release this long to create nerfed versions for the Nintendo Wii and DS and translate them into Japanese. (You'll be able to use the Wiimote and stylus to create a four-assed-ostrich.)

Don't act so damn surprised when a heavily anticipated game gets pushed back creating even heavier anticipation. The press release is free advertising plastered across the headlines of every gaming blog on the internets. It keeps the game in the forefront with more previews, screenshots, rumors, and creator interviews in gaming mags. It's especially helpful for sales if the game is already available for pre-order.

Monday, September 3, 2007

An Evening With The Pachster

From time to time I find people looking for a nugget of knowledge from yours truly. I felt obliged to give an interview to one of those gaming sites. They're so clueless sometimes. I hope my time was appreciated. Best interview ever.


Q: So what qualifies you to be a gaming industry analyst?


The Pachster: I've been compared to Earl Dittman of Wireless Magazine and I think you would agree that's pretty high praise. It's thrilling to be compared favorably to your peers. Obviously, my long string of accurate predictions and observations in the gaming realm have shown I'm a credible expert. But, I'll never tell you my secret.



Q: What's your secret?



The Pachster: I'm glad you asked. I perform sexual favors on a young, verile, Phillipino illegal who sleeps in the stock room at a Game Stop. He gives me the inside scoop on what's in tomorrow's Game Informer before it hits shelves. That, and I have G4.



Q: That's it?



The Pachster: You have to have the ability to take all the information available to you and find patterns. For example, based upon prior sales data, Halo 3 will break the 1 million unit mark within it's first week of sale.



Q: People have already pre-ordered over 1 million copies of Halo 3 and it's still two weeks from release.



The Pachster: Told you so.



Q: What about the console wars? Who has the advantage and who will come out on top in the end?



The Pachster: I think Nokia has the inside edge with their new gaming focus. People like new things. Watch out, though. Everything changes the day The Phantom hits stores. I hear the keyboard is killer.



Q: You think The Phantom is still coming? When will it be released?



The Pachster: Wouldn't you like to know.



Q: Do you think your insight helps investors?



The Pachster: Investors are generally older, retired people afraid and incapable of understanding new technology, like cell phones and ATMs. There are many investment opportunities in gaming and I tell Wedbush Morgan investors and money managers how to enhance their portfolios. For example, when GTA 4 goes on sale, Take Two Interactive shares will jump. The best time to sell will be right before the hidden code is discovered and the ESRB slaps it with an AO rating.



Q: Are you saying Rockstar has left hidden code within GTA 4 and there's going to be another "Hot Coffee" type scandal?



The Pachster: Yes. This time the code will unlock a special gay-sex mini-game. The scandal will be dubbed "Hot Fudge."



Q: Thank you for your time.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Wedbush Morgan Securities Disclaimer


Wedbush Morgan Securities makes no claim as to the accuracy of what this douche says. His brother-in-law is like, banging the CFO's wife's half-sister or something. When he says something about video games, he's probably just talking out his ass. In fact, if you see him, just smile and wave politely. He's very very unstable.