From time to time I find people looking for a nugget of knowledge from yours truly. I felt obliged to give an interview to one of those gaming sites. They're so clueless sometimes. I hope my time was appreciated. Best interview ever.
Q: So what qualifies you to be a gaming industry analyst?
The Pachster: I've been compared to Earl Dittman of Wireless Magazine and I think you would agree that's pretty high praise. It's thrilling to be compared favorably to your peers. Obviously, my long string of accurate predictions and observations in the gaming realm have shown I'm a credible expert. But, I'll never tell you my secret.
Q: What's your secret?
The Pachster: I'm glad you asked. I perform sexual favors on a young, verile, Phillipino illegal who sleeps in the stock room at a Game Stop. He gives me the inside scoop on what's in tomorrow's Game Informer before it hits shelves. That, and I have G4.
Q: That's it?
The Pachster: You have to have the ability to take all the information available to you and find patterns. For example, based upon prior sales data, Halo 3 will break the 1 million unit mark within it's first week of sale.
Q: People have already pre-ordered over 1 million copies of Halo 3 and it's still two weeks from release.
The Pachster: Told you so.
Q: What about the console wars? Who has the advantage and who will come out on top in the end?
The Pachster: I think Nokia has the inside edge with their new gaming focus. People like new things. Watch out, though. Everything changes the day The Phantom hits stores. I hear the keyboard is killer.
Q: You think The Phantom is still coming? When will it be released?
The Pachster: Wouldn't you like to know.
Q: Do you think your insight helps investors?
The Pachster: Investors are generally older, retired people afraid and incapable of understanding new technology, like cell phones and ATMs. There are many investment opportunities in gaming and I tell Wedbush Morgan investors and money managers how to enhance their portfolios. For example, when GTA 4 goes on sale, Take Two Interactive shares will jump. The best time to sell will be right before the hidden code is discovered and the ESRB slaps it with an AO rating.
Q: Are you saying Rockstar has left hidden code within GTA 4 and there's going to be another "Hot Coffee" type scandal?
The Pachster: Yes. This time the code will unlock a special gay-sex mini-game. The scandal will be dubbed "Hot Fudge."
Q: Thank you for your time.